Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Strong Suits

As defined in Landmark Education, strong suits are one's fundamental and automatic ways of being that produce results yet leave him/her unfulfilled.

Perfect story to understand a strong suit (as given by Alain Roth):
There was this lady who had a crush on this guy in high school. She liked him so much. On the night of the school dance, he went towards her. And when she thought he was about to ask her, he asked her best friend who was sitting beside her. At that moment, she failed. She told herself she wasn't beautiful. She failed to be beautiful.

The guy became her best friend's boyfriend. But she waited. The time came that the two had a fight and she made sure she was there to comfort him. Immediately after the breakup, she was there for him, listening and comforting him as he cries.

It became them. Eventually, they got married. And many times the guy would say, "I love you because you are caring."

Everytime he tells her that, she's hurt. Coz everytime he tells her he loves her because she's caring, she remembers she isn't beautiful.

Most of the time, a person may have three prevalent strong suits and other strong suits may branch out from them.

This isn't the truth but, as Aljor said, one may consider the development of strong suits as one way one operates his/her life. Let me represent the three strong suits as X, Y and Z.

X is acquired at 3-4 years old, when one learns the facility of language. Something happens that he/she thought something is wrong because he/she failed to be U and chose to be X. It is also possible that he/she thought he/she failed to be X so she decided to be X.

Y is usually acquired at 13-15, when one wants to feel the sense of belongingness. Something happens wherein he/she decides that he/she failed to be, say V. Then he/she thinks that X isn't enough that she decides to be Y too. So he/she has X+Y.

When he/she is already an adult, something happens wherein he/she fails to be, say W. Since X+Y isn't enough, he/she also decides to be on his/her own and becomes Z, X+Y+Z.

As I mentioned earlier, many other strong suits may branch out of X,Y and Z. And the things that happened where one fails to be may reoccur. And when one acquires the three, he/she invalidates everyone else, thinking that no one would be more X, Y or Z.

So I've gone into much introspection and had several orgasms, purely ontological though (thus, the name of this blog).

As of now, I have my X, Y and Z identified:
X = being intelligent
Y = being strong
Z = being different

Now, I'm not ready to go much into detail and how I acquired them. I'm not even sure that what I have in mind are correct.

Well, these strong suits all came from the failure to be. Probably, U, V and W to me. So whenever I use these strong suits to become successful, I am also reminded of U, V and W, making me unfulfilled. These strong suits also get bankrupt. They also don't work at times.

Because of my independence, I also have problems working in groups and I often question authority. Because I am strong, I cannot find any man strong enough for me or at least for my personality. I find no guy any different from any other guy as well.

I have to admit I am taking enough courage (see, I'm strong) to tell you these failures:
U = secured
V = lovable
W = attractive

And when I admit that one is more X, Y or Z than me, I become present to my failures of being U, V and W.

They may be true, they may be not. But this is really one way I'm looking at my life now. And there is no way that I could FIX these failures. I only have to acknowledge them.

I'm really being honest right now. And I know I may not really look good.

So, what are your strong suits?

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Procastinator's Creed

from www.eskimo.com

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


In the seventh session of the LFIA:

Intention of the session: To distinguish your fundamental and automatic way of being that produces results yet leaves you unfulfilled.

The intention simply means we are about to review our strong suits.

Before that, we had discussions on how we handle our upsets, giving up our stories of other people, creating a difference, and what how we can take life as to be.

We also discussed the distinction between gratification and fulfillment.

Gratification = being happy
Fulfillment = being at peace, total freedom


Later that night, we discussed how everyone's being certain that there's tomorrow. Conceptually, we may think that there may not be tomorrow. Yet, we decide/choose relating to the certainty that there would be tomorrow.

The Forum leader does not say we do not commit. We just have to consider that we have to do things NOW. And then Alan blurts out, "Beginning a relationship."


Even if I want to, WITH WHOM???

Conclusion: Cetainty limits people.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Wearing my heart upon my sleeve...

This is a letter I sent to him. I wanted to complete with him. Even until now, I still want to see him again. So I set aside looking cool and looking good, letting everything out. He has not replied to this yet and neither do I think he would. But somehow, having everything said makes it bearable. I've said what I wanted.

Does it hurt? Yes. But lesser than what I expected. Even reading this again makes me want to cry.

Is it easy? No. But I am more committed to telling him what I have in mind than to whatever this letter would make me appear to be. I thought if I wanted to start everything with him again, I cannot expect for cosmic intervention and have him at my door the next day. So I did what I thought would be best...

I know this letter is very unexpected. But I really hope you pay some attention to it.

I just want to say some things and later on, I would like to ask for some answers. I am very afraid that you would not read this since it's coming from me. But still, I have to try whatever luck there may be. Telling you these things is even more difficult than I thought it would be. And whatever I am about to say, I could in one go or never at all.

We've not communicated for a very long time. It all started through chat and suddenly ended up after we've met. Honestly, I was too afraid to meet you. I somehow knew that the meeting would also be the end of everything. But then I gave it a shot. I don't want to keep you if you wouldn't want to keep me and if you won't let me. If our interactions have to stop, then it better be soon, I thought. Since I'll be going through the same pain only later.

Now, I want to ask you: Why did you suddenly "disappear?" What have I done or what have I not done that made you go away? The EB probably did not turn out the way u were expecting it. Neither it did for me. Coz I made a total fool of myself, because my insecurities were written on my forehead that night. And I was avoiding all the rejections that you could impose. I tried to look good.

However, I wasn't the one you were expecting. But the girl you were talking to on the phone.

I admit, somehow, I'm stuck in the same spot where I met you and where you left me. I wanted to offer friendship then but, I thought, since you didn't like me, you never saw it. I am not sure what you wanted then. I thought you wanted a girlfriend. And sure enough, I wasn't that person you wanted.

I'm not blaming you for anything, I'm just asking you to help me by answering my why's and what's. I have answers for myself, but I wouldn't want to judge you by the answers that I could give myself. Even until now, I still wish to be your friend. You are a good person and I enjoy talking to you. You are intelligent and poetic that you can get me thinking once in a while.

Unfortunately, I cannot be the person that you'd like me to be.

As I said earlier, I am really afraid that you would ignore this letter. I also want to find out if I have done something that offended you and your friend. I might need to apologize. And I would have to bear with some more pain if you choose not to reply.

However, if you choose not to do so, then I would respect that. Though I would really be happy if u get to read this and reply.

To be honest, I am looking forward to sit and talk with you. But that would all depend on you... That might just be too much to ask. Right now, I just want to hear you...

*This is probably the most vulnerable stage that I have presented to anyone*

Still, I want to thank you... I can't exactly say what for. But you are worth it.

Jaycee =)

Having been rejected makes me present to all my fears. Now that I am definite nothing would happen, I can move forward. Though I cannot completely say who's next.

I may not look good but I feel good about doing this. It's just how honest I could be.