Wearing my heart upon my sleeve...
This is a letter I sent to him. I wanted to complete with him. Even until now, I still want to see him again. So I set aside looking cool and looking good, letting everything out. He has not replied to this yet and neither do I think he would. But somehow, having everything said makes it bearable. I've said what I wanted.
Does it hurt? Yes. But lesser than what I expected. Even reading this again makes me want to cry.
Is it easy? No. But I am more committed to telling him what I have in mind than to whatever this letter would make me appear to be. I thought if I wanted to start everything with him again, I cannot expect for cosmic intervention and have him at my door the next day. So I did what I thought would be best...
I know this letter is very unexpected. But I really hope you pay some attention to it.
I just want to say some things and later on, I would like to ask for some answers. I am very afraid that you would not read this since it's coming from me. But still, I have to try whatever luck there may be. Telling you these things is even more difficult than I thought it would be. And whatever I am about to say, I could in one go or never at all.
We've not communicated for a very long time. It all started through chat and suddenly ended up after we've met. Honestly, I was too afraid to meet you. I somehow knew that the meeting would also be the end of everything. But then I gave it a shot. I don't want to keep you if you wouldn't want to keep me and if you won't let me. If our interactions have to stop, then it better be soon, I thought. Since I'll be going through the same pain only later.
Now, I want to ask you: Why did you suddenly "disappear?" What have I done or what have I not done that made you go away? The EB probably did not turn out the way u were expecting it. Neither it did for me. Coz I made a total fool of myself, because my insecurities were written on my forehead that night. And I was avoiding all the rejections that you could impose. I tried to look good.
However, I wasn't the one you were expecting. But the girl you were talking to on the phone.
I admit, somehow, I'm stuck in the same spot where I met you and where you left me. I wanted to offer friendship then but, I thought, since you didn't like me, you never saw it. I am not sure what you wanted then. I thought you wanted a girlfriend. And sure enough, I wasn't that person you wanted.
I'm not blaming you for anything, I'm just asking you to help me by answering my why's and what's. I have answers for myself, but I wouldn't want to judge you by the answers that I could give myself. Even until now, I still wish to be your friend. You are a good person and I enjoy talking to you. You are intelligent and poetic that you can get me thinking once in a while.
Unfortunately, I cannot be the person that you'd like me to be.
As I said earlier, I am really afraid that you would ignore this letter. I also want to find out if I have done something that offended you and your friend. I might need to apologize. And I would have to bear with some more pain if you choose not to reply.
However, if you choose not to do so, then I would respect that. Though I would really be happy if u get to read this and reply.
To be honest, I am looking forward to sit and talk with you. But that would all depend on you... That might just be too much to ask. Right now, I just want to hear you...
*This is probably the most vulnerable stage that I have presented to anyone*
Still, I want to thank you... I can't exactly say what for. But you are worth it.
Having been rejected makes me present to all my fears. Now that I am definite nothing would happen, I can move forward. Though I cannot completely say who's next.
I may not look good but I feel good about doing this. It's just how honest I could be.