Friday, November 11, 2005

Wearing my heart upon my sleeve...

This is a letter I sent to him. I wanted to complete with him. Even until now, I still want to see him again. So I set aside looking cool and looking good, letting everything out. He has not replied to this yet and neither do I think he would. But somehow, having everything said makes it bearable. I've said what I wanted.

Does it hurt? Yes. But lesser than what I expected. Even reading this again makes me want to cry.

Is it easy? No. But I am more committed to telling him what I have in mind than to whatever this letter would make me appear to be. I thought if I wanted to start everything with him again, I cannot expect for cosmic intervention and have him at my door the next day. So I did what I thought would be best...

I know this letter is very unexpected. But I really hope you pay some attention to it.

I just want to say some things and later on, I would like to ask for some answers. I am very afraid that you would not read this since it's coming from me. But still, I have to try whatever luck there may be. Telling you these things is even more difficult than I thought it would be. And whatever I am about to say, I could in one go or never at all.

We've not communicated for a very long time. It all started through chat and suddenly ended up after we've met. Honestly, I was too afraid to meet you. I somehow knew that the meeting would also be the end of everything. But then I gave it a shot. I don't want to keep you if you wouldn't want to keep me and if you won't let me. If our interactions have to stop, then it better be soon, I thought. Since I'll be going through the same pain only later.

Now, I want to ask you: Why did you suddenly "disappear?" What have I done or what have I not done that made you go away? The EB probably did not turn out the way u were expecting it. Neither it did for me. Coz I made a total fool of myself, because my insecurities were written on my forehead that night. And I was avoiding all the rejections that you could impose. I tried to look good.

However, I wasn't the one you were expecting. But the girl you were talking to on the phone.

I admit, somehow, I'm stuck in the same spot where I met you and where you left me. I wanted to offer friendship then but, I thought, since you didn't like me, you never saw it. I am not sure what you wanted then. I thought you wanted a girlfriend. And sure enough, I wasn't that person you wanted.

I'm not blaming you for anything, I'm just asking you to help me by answering my why's and what's. I have answers for myself, but I wouldn't want to judge you by the answers that I could give myself. Even until now, I still wish to be your friend. You are a good person and I enjoy talking to you. You are intelligent and poetic that you can get me thinking once in a while.

Unfortunately, I cannot be the person that you'd like me to be.

As I said earlier, I am really afraid that you would ignore this letter. I also want to find out if I have done something that offended you and your friend. I might need to apologize. And I would have to bear with some more pain if you choose not to reply.

However, if you choose not to do so, then I would respect that. Though I would really be happy if u get to read this and reply.

To be honest, I am looking forward to sit and talk with you. But that would all depend on you... That might just be too much to ask. Right now, I just want to hear you...

*This is probably the most vulnerable stage that I have presented to anyone*

Still, I want to thank you... I can't exactly say what for. But you are worth it.

Jaycee =)

Having been rejected makes me present to all my fears. Now that I am definite nothing would happen, I can move forward. Though I cannot completely say who's next.

I may not look good but I feel good about doing this. It's just how honest I could be.

3possibilities created

At 12:20 AM, Blogger Deb S. said...

Hopefully, writing this letter will help you to move on. I know about "wearing my heart upon my sleeve." Now . . on to your next adventure. :-)

At 6:10 AM, Blogger chase said...

it's always hard to put yourself out there. keep in mind that there are millions upon millions of people on this earth. dont get stuck on one....especially on who doesnt want to play or play fair. good luck.

At 9:49 PM, Blogger Timbaktoo said...

u just made me miss someone real bad ....


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