Loving, forgiving and letting go...
This is part of a letter I sent my friend.
I spent my Sunday in a recollection. Felt it was time to recharge the spirit. And yes, I did.
Our retreat master illustrated why loving someone is risky. Picture two hearts: one of them has small triangles inside while the other has squares.
When people fall in love, their hearts eventually get filled with both triangles and squares. So when one of them leaves, some areas inside the other person's heart that the other used to fill get empty.
It's been almost three months and no matter how busy I get, there's still that void part in me seeking a lot of answers. And every day that passes by, that void turns more into a sinkhole.
I've prayed so much to Him to find me a good man and I thought ***** would be that guy. Believing what he said was true then, that he loves me, I knew I did everything I could to keep him. Maybe he really did. Maybe he didn't. I am just sure we had different ideas of what love is. Maybe I did something wrong and maybe I am not the person he expected me to be, but I can no longer make those right.
Then I got my answer yesterday: Nothing is wrong with me. I realized how much God loves me that He knew I deserve a better guy, someone who'll appreciate me as I am and will value how much of myself I am willing to give in a relationship to make it work.
I also realized how valuable true love is. I realized that as much as I am open to risk and accepting people into my life, I should be cautious of whom I allow to share those spaces inside mine.
The fear of getting hurt again was affecting how I am towards people. I realized I was holding myself back a lot even when just meeting new people.
Yes, I'll be cautious but not gripped by fear. I know you understand what I mean. My being is lighter now.
As for *****, I can say I honestly don't feel any grudge against him anymore. I know it's better to bless than to hate, but there's that part that I've wanted to blame him for what he did, for making me believe and then leaving just like that. I know I was wrong of talking about him the way I did to other people. I don't know exactly, but I believe I've made some mistakes during that time. Maybe I've also hurt him unintentionally. For that, I hope he learns to forgive me. He made his choice as much as I am entitled to do mine.
Like I've said, I deserve a better guy. And so does ***** deserve a better girl in his life.
I really loved him. I still do. And part of that love is letting him go find someone else, with whom he could be his best self. :)