Moving on...

Some parts of the e-mail I sent RT, 09/14/07



Well, with Mutant X, he did not propose that we just be friends. I did and he agreed. I asked him, "Can we be just good friends now?"

I noticed we are more free when we don't talk about the possibility of being "us." And I actually told him maybe it would be easier if we start forgetting each other. To this he said he cant decide about that for now but might be open to the idea.

I told him maybe if we give ourselves a chance to date other people, then maybe we can get to know more ourselves and be clear about our feelings toward each other.

This whole conversation was brought up when he asked me what if he fails to come to the Philippines this year or next year. Honestly, I can't promise to wait. So I told him that when he told me he can't promise to come here, I realized we should move on.

I asked him a question similar to what he asked me before, "If you love someone/something, will you just let the chance slip away? Will you leave him/her/it?"

He said he knows what I want to find out and admitted he can't plan yet for next year.

Later, I asked him to call me for a while coz I think we have to talk about it not just online. He did and I told him I'm getting the idea that maybe we don't love each other coz we don't practically see ourselves together. We have plans but there's just "I will..." and "I am..." There's no "We...;" hence, no about "us."

And I suggested again that maybe we can start dating other people. He just became silent and said we talk about it the next day. We both know we aren't going anywhere. And seriously, I think he just proposed because he is pressured by his family to settle down.

When his sister agreed to send him to the US for his MBA, he was able to put things aside, which seems to include me. I'm getting the picture that he still isn't sure about what he wants . Or maybe he does but I will be in the picture later. But there's no point for me to hope I will be.

I'm in no rush to settle down either, but I can't paint the picture of us being together when all paths seem to be clouded.

Cobwebs

White or otherwise.

I never thought they were there until I saw myself caught in the middle of those silky threads. Woven perfectly. Freshly spinning all around me.

After everything I found out that night, I don't know how I'd listen to you again.





(Sigh.)

Why did you even have to lie?


I thought I knew you. Now I know I don't.

Soon

Moonpools and Caterpillars


ooh it,s said and done
ooh im not the only one
how was i to know
no one told me so
i just landed here and struggled to get by
nothing much to see
oh so naive
and then it hits me like it has 1,000 times

one day soon it's going to happen to you
and when it does it wont be pretty
one day soon it's going to happen to you
and when it does...i wont be there

ooh it's said and done
ooh im not the only one
how was i to see
the only difference is me
to think that holding steady hands would do just fine
one day youll agree
that you are truer to yourself than
anyone of us will ever be


=====


and i won't be anywhere close...

Hilarious

I joined a church choir when I was nine years old. In the choir, I met Denmark (D, despite the name, he's Filipino). I found out later that he had a crush on me.

Ace (A) always followed me around and he gave me cards ang gifts and his other friends, Ariel and Onel, were also teasing me to him. (I probably looked like a lost kitten back then.)

All the choir members were all teasing me to A but I barely paid attention. By then, I was just busy thinking of basketball and only look forward to playing cops and robbers with my classmates.

And I had a crush on Catrick (C).

A, C and D were classmates and neighbors; hence, veeery close friends. They actually grew up together.

My sister, Sydney (despite the name, she's also Filipino *wink*), and the three guys I've mentioned go to the same school. On Fridays, I fetch my sister. One time, D saw me. He kept following me and was asking for my pic. I wasn't paying attention because I was looking for my sister and I don't give pics just like that. By then I do not understand why a person needed someone else's pic, especially MY pic.

Another time I fetched my sister, I visited some friends whom I've also met in the choir. I didn't know they were classmates with C and D. Suddenly, all of the choir members who were from that school were teasing me... not to C but to D. And I was still clueless.

One of D's classmates told me D wanted to talk to me. I had an idea then but I didn't want to assume. I didn't talk to him though. By then, I still had a crush on C while A became my cousin's boyfriend.

Some of the members of the choir go to the same school that I attend and even ride the same school bus. Soon, common friends knew the fuzz about A, C and D, including my parents.

Through another choir member, Gary (G), I found out that C also liked me and also wanted to talk to me. Of course, I was too happy. Who wouldn't be?

I never talked to C though. G told me not to. By then I didn't know why he doesn't want me to. He was acting like a "big brother." But I really didn't appreciate why he didn't want me to talk to C.

Time came that A, C and D barely attended choir practices and meetings until they were nonexistent. Since we are from the same community and go to the same church, they'd still approach me when they have the chance. D, however, won't. But his friends were very good in reminding me that he was with them.

When I entered high school, C and I became good friends. We watch movies with friends. He goes to the house on Sundays and even talk to my parents. But I no longer like him like I used to.

After sometime, I learned that A migrated to the US. Then I barely heard from C and D coz they were already in college.

I was in my senior year when my sister told me that D was aking for my cellphone number. I didn't have a cellphone then because it was still not that essential since we have a landline that I can use whenever I had to call anyone. And a cellphone was not very helpful if I had to ask my classmates about out assignments in Physics and in completing lab reports.

Before I graduated, a classmate, whose brother was friends with A, C and D, told me that D got his girlfriend pregnant. Later, same classmate told me D married the girl.

Well, why the heck am I writing this?

Last week, my sister was in a pharmacy when D approached him. He was buying milk. He told my sister that he has a child now. Of course, my name slipped into the conversation and my sister told him so and so.

And D had a message for me: He's asking me if the company I work for a has a room for an IT graduate.

Ehhh?

(Pseudo)Company Outing

Well, the overdue company outing will push through on Friday night. I don't understand, however, why it's on Friday when most of us have to go to work the next day.


We're just dining out. And I'm going to sing (probably their way of keeping me off the table).


I wasn't originally included in the group to perform but since the guys who play the instrument like "King of Pain," a coworker woke me up and informed me I'm singing it. Alanis's version, of course.


Thinking about it, I prefer "You Learn" which is now playing on my sidebar.


Knowing how people change their minds to keep up with the requests of the big bosses, I might end up singing the national anthem.

My Language Game

Well, I just came back from a trip. "A" was with us but he was in a different group so we didn't stay in the same hotel. I already saw him when I arrived at the airport. And of course, we shared some mishaps together. But it was fun.

I liked "A" since last year. I met him in a company training and another friend had a crush on him. He wasn't the type I'd like immediately. In fact, he was nerdy and I don't think he'd be able to keep up with me if we'd get a chance to play basketball. But he was very, very nice and sincere.

After we met, it became an ordinary thing to talk and update each other whenever we had the chance to do so. We got to exchange numbers and basically got along together.

So here's a guy I like. And it just occurred to me last night... that he asked me to go someplace while we were in expat land.

It could have been fun but I never thought about it even before I gave him my answer.

Nice guy + strange place + placid evening + a lot of banters = FUN!

I regret saying no. And I didn't even really think about it until I went to sleep last night. When he asked me, I was just considering what time I'd be in the hotel and what time I'd get to sleep. It didn't even occur to me that it was HIM who was asking me out.

Pffft!

What am I normally conscious of?

And how many chances have I unconsciously allowed to slip away?

The Player's Leaving

It was a business trip and I was somehow surprised to see him there although I know I shouldn't be at all. It's funny that we never talked. There was no obvious reason we should but there wasn't any reason why we shouldn't either. It just felt weird.

Many times I'd catch him staring and I was too shy to reciprocate. But I know I'd enjoy looking at him. But I was too shy to be caught so I only had glimpses of him when I know he'd be too busy looking somewhere else. I wasn't always successful though.

In a meeting, I heard his name and someone stopping him to go to Canada.

I wanted to ask why, when, and for how long. But that would all seem to be too weird coming from me knowing that we don't engage in casual conversations. And if I do, I would just confirm everything that I've been trying to hide. I just hope it wouldn't be for too long. And I still wonder why he has to when their business is here.

If he's really decided to go there, I wish I have the chance to wish him well and to ask him to keep in touch.

If I only could.

It's like wishing we'd be good friends then something else.

Yeah, something else...