Loving, forgiving and letting go...

This is part of a letter I sent my friend.


I spent my Sunday in a recollection. Felt it was time to recharge the spirit. And yes, I did.


Our retreat master illustrated why loving someone is risky. Picture two hearts: one of them has small triangles inside while the other has squares.


When people fall in love, their hearts eventually get filled with both triangles and squares. So when one of them leaves, some areas inside the other person's heart that the other used to fill get empty.


It's been almost three months and no matter how busy I get, there's still that void part in me seeking a lot of answers. And every day that passes by, that void turns more into a sinkhole.


I've prayed so much to Him to find me a good man and I thought ***** would be that guy. Believing what he said was true then, that he loves me, I knew I did everything I could to keep him. Maybe he really did. Maybe he didn't. I am just sure we had different ideas of what love is. Maybe I did something wrong and maybe I am not the person he expected me to be, but I can no longer make those right.


Then I got my answer yesterday: Nothing is wrong with me. I realized how much God loves me that He knew I deserve a better guy, someone who'll appreciate me as I am and will value how much of myself I am willing to give in a relationship to make it work.


I also realized how valuable true love is. I realized that as much as I am open to risk and accepting people into my life, I should be cautious of whom I allow to share those spaces inside mine.


The fear of getting hurt again was affecting how I am towards people. I realized I was holding myself back a lot even when just meeting new people.


Yes, I'll be cautious but not gripped by fear. I know you understand what I mean. My being is lighter now.


As for *****, I can say I honestly don't feel any grudge against him anymore. I know it's better to bless than to hate, but there's that part that I've wanted to blame him for what he did, for making me believe and then leaving just like that. I know I was wrong of talking about him the way I did to other people. I don't know exactly, but I believe I've made some mistakes during that time. Maybe I've also hurt him unintentionally. For that, I hope he learns to forgive me. He made his choice as much as I am entitled to do mine.


Like I've said, I deserve a better guy. And so does ***** deserve a better girl in his life.


I really loved him. I still do. And part of that love is letting him go find someone else, with whom he could be his best self. :)

Moving on...

Some parts of the e-mail I sent RT, 09/14/07



Well, with Mutant X, he did not propose that we just be friends. I did and he agreed. I asked him, "Can we be just good friends now?"

I noticed we are more free when we don't talk about the possibility of being "us." And I actually told him maybe it would be easier if we start forgetting each other. To this he said he cant decide about that for now but might be open to the idea.

I told him maybe if we give ourselves a chance to date other people, then maybe we can get to know more ourselves and be clear about our feelings toward each other.

This whole conversation was brought up when he asked me what if he fails to come to the Philippines this year or next year. Honestly, I can't promise to wait. So I told him that when he told me he can't promise to come here, I realized we should move on.

I asked him a question similar to what he asked me before, "If you love someone/something, will you just let the chance slip away? Will you leave him/her/it?"

He said he knows what I want to find out and admitted he can't plan yet for next year.

Later, I asked him to call me for a while coz I think we have to talk about it not just online. He did and I told him I'm getting the idea that maybe we don't love each other coz we don't practically see ourselves together. We have plans but there's just "I will..." and "I am..." There's no "We...;" hence, no about "us."

And I suggested again that maybe we can start dating other people. He just became silent and said we talk about it the next day. We both know we aren't going anywhere. And seriously, I think he just proposed because he is pressured by his family to settle down.

When his sister agreed to send him to the US for his MBA, he was able to put things aside, which seems to include me. I'm getting the picture that he still isn't sure about what he wants . Or maybe he does but I will be in the picture later. But there's no point for me to hope I will be.

I'm in no rush to settle down either, but I can't paint the picture of us being together when all paths seem to be clouded.

Cobwebs

White or otherwise.

I never thought they were there until I saw myself caught in the middle of those silky threads. Woven perfectly. Freshly spinning all around me.

After everything I found out that night, I don't know how I'd listen to you again.





(Sigh.)

Why did you even have to lie?


I thought I knew you. Now I know I don't.

Soon

Moonpools and Caterpillars


ooh it,s said and done
ooh im not the only one
how was i to know
no one told me so
i just landed here and struggled to get by
nothing much to see
oh so naive
and then it hits me like it has 1,000 times

one day soon it's going to happen to you
and when it does it wont be pretty
one day soon it's going to happen to you
and when it does...i wont be there

ooh it's said and done
ooh im not the only one
how was i to see
the only difference is me
to think that holding steady hands would do just fine
one day youll agree
that you are truer to yourself than
anyone of us will ever be


=====


and i won't be anywhere close...

(Pseudo)Company Outing

Well, the overdue company outing will push through on Friday night. I don't understand, however, why it's on Friday when most of us have to go to work the next day.


We're just dining out. And I'm going to sing (probably their way of keeping me off the table).


I wasn't originally included in the group to perform but since the guys who play the instrument like "King of Pain," a coworker woke me up and informed me I'm singing it. Alanis's version, of course.


Thinking about it, I prefer "You Learn" which is now playing on my sidebar.


Knowing how people change their minds to keep up with the requests of the big bosses, I might end up singing the national anthem.

My Language Game

Well, I just came back from a trip. "A" was with us but he was in a different group so we didn't stay in the same hotel. I already saw him when I arrived at the airport. And of course, we shared some mishaps together. But it was fun.

I liked "A" since last year. I met him in a company training and another friend had a crush on him. He wasn't the type I'd like immediately. In fact, he was nerdy and I don't think he'd be able to keep up with me if we'd get a chance to play basketball. But he was very, very nice and sincere.

After we met, it became an ordinary thing to talk and update each other whenever we had the chance to do so. We got to exchange numbers and basically got along together.

So here's a guy I like. And it just occurred to me last night... that he asked me to go someplace while we were in expat land.

It could have been fun but I never thought about it even before I gave him my answer.

Nice guy + strange place + placid evening + a lot of banters = FUN!

I regret saying no. And I didn't even really think about it until I went to sleep last night. When he asked me, I was just considering what time I'd be in the hotel and what time I'd get to sleep. It didn't even occur to me that it was HIM who was asking me out.

Pffft!

What am I normally conscious of?

And how many chances have I unconsciously allowed to slip away?

The Player's Leaving

It was a business trip and I was somehow surprised to see him there although I know I shouldn't be at all. It's funny that we never talked. There was no obvious reason we should but there wasn't any reason why we shouldn't either. It just felt weird.

Many times I'd catch him staring and I was too shy to reciprocate. But I know I'd enjoy looking at him. But I was too shy to be caught so I only had glimpses of him when I know he'd be too busy looking somewhere else. I wasn't always successful though.

In a meeting, I heard his name and someone stopping him to go to Canada.

I wanted to ask why, when, and for how long. But that would all seem to be too weird coming from me knowing that we don't engage in casual conversations. And if I do, I would just confirm everything that I've been trying to hide. I just hope it wouldn't be for too long. And I still wonder why he has to when their business is here.

If he's really decided to go there, I wish I have the chance to wish him well and to ask him to keep in touch.

If I only could.

It's like wishing we'd be good friends then something else.

Yeah, something else...